


Blaine's Bad Idea

by KillerQueen80



Category: Glee
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 05:21:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/427318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KillerQueen80/pseuds/KillerQueen80
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt and Blaine have an accident in the shower.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blaine's Bad Idea

Never again. That’s all Kurt could think as he sat in the waiting room, sopping wet, ankle throbbing. He was never having shower sex again. Nope, scratch that. He was never having any kind of sex again. His father was right, he should have waited until he was 30. Maybe, if he’d waited until he was 30, he wouldn’t have a boyfriend who thought it would be cool to try out some trick he saw in a porn movie on the internet. It’s not that it didn’t feel good, it had definitely felt good. Great actually, the ten seconds Blaine had managed to hold him up against that wall had been the best sex they’d had. Not that the bar was high considering this was like fifth time. What possessed them to think shower sex was the way to go when they were just amatuers? They’d gotten cocky. That’s what happened. They’d gotten bold. They’d managed to have sex on the couch last week, and Blaine rode Kurt for the first time and it was amazing and they decided that with Kurt’s father and step mother out of the house so often, and Finn training at the garage, they were going to have sex in almost every room, because God, they’d gotten really good at sex. But then they got cocky. No, scratch that, Blaine got cocky. Blaine thought he could pull off some porn star move, so he hoisted Kurt up against the shower wall, and made Kurt wrap his legs around him. Neither one gave any thought to the fact that Kurt was a few inches taller than Blaine and quite a few pounds heavier, and the shower floor was slippery. And now they’re in the emergency room soaking wet. Blaine with a wound on his head from where he bumped it on the faucet in the bathtub and Kurt with a possibly broken ankle from where they landed in a heap on the floor of the tub. Kurt will never forget the popping sound his ankle made, or the sight of Blaine’s blood running down the drain.

Yeah, he’s never having sex with Blaine again. That’s Blaine’s punishment for trying to be a porn star. Kurt knew nothing good could ever come from watching those movies.

The worst part of the whole thing is that with Blaine’s head bleeding and Kurt’s swollen ankle, neither of them could drive themselves to the ER. Blaine was trying to have a rational discussion about who’d be the best person to call. How he could be rational while butt naked and bleeding from the scalp was beyond Kurt. Kurt didn’t care who Blaine called, and told him as much, but with much more colorful language.

Kurt regrets that decision too, because Blaine called Santana. Santana saw him naked. Naked and wet, with his ankle looking like something out of the Flintstones. It took her 20 minutes to stop laughing long enough to help Blaine pull him out of the shower. Once they got to the ER, she pulled her phone out. Kurt knew it was only a matter of time before all of New Directions knew what had happened.

He was transferring back to Dalton. That was the only solution. No way could he show his face at school. Santana saw him naked. For all he knows, she’s probably already told all the girls graphic details about him. Lord knows they’ve spent every slumber party for the last two years asking him questions about his dick. Now Santana has seen it. Oh God, she’s going to tell them that he doesn’t manscape. He totally used to, but Blaine somehow convinced him that his pubes were sexy. They’re going to think he’s a slob. They’ll never leave him alone about it now. They’ll expect him to whip it out at parties. Because if one member of New Directions gets something, it’s only fair everyone else does too. It’s like that with solos and his dick is going to be the new big solo, everyone is going to want to see it.

Calm down, Kurt thinks. You’re spiraling. Maybe Santana is sexting Brittany.

“Hey Blainers, what movie was it you got this brilliant idea from? Because Tina’s going to look for it on pornotube for our next slumber party.”

“Please don’t. Really, it wasn’t that great.” Blaine looks pleadingly at Santana. He’s been oddly quiet since they arrived at the ER. He probably knows he’s in the dog house. He’s in the dog house and never getting laid again.

“Oh come on Blaine, it had to be good if you thought you’d try it out on Kurt.” Before Blaine can respond, Kurt hears his name being called. Blaine rushes to his side to try to help him into the exam room. Santana at his other side.

“Really, Santana, you’ve done enough, you can go.” Kurt really wants her to go now.

“What and miss the expression on your Dad’s face when he comes to pick you up?” Blaine trips over his own foot and nearly sends Kurt tumbling to the floor again.

“Excuse me, what? Why would Burt be here? Kurt’s 18, Burt doesn’t need to be here. Oh god...” Great, now Blaine was spiralling.

The nurse leaves the room. Kurt looks over at Blaine. Who still won’t look him in the eye. “Is your head still bleeding?”

“No. But i got a nasty lump. I think I’ll be fine. No need for me to see a doctor. So they won’t call my parents, right?”

“No. You get to keep your dignity.”

“Oh my God, Kurt, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking trying that. You just looked so hot and it felt so good, and the sounds you make, I just wanted you to make more of them, and the guy in the movie just-”

“Blaine, please, stop. It’s fine. Well, it’s not fine. We’re never having sex again, that’s for sure. We’re never having shower sex again. Definitely never doing that again.”

“Never doing what again?” Kurt didn’t even have to look up to know that voice. And that when he realized there was rock bottom and there was where he was now. Because in the door way stood his Father, Carole, Finn and Rachel. All of whom just heard him say that he and Blaine were never having shower sex again. At that moment, Kurt wished his ankle wound was fatal, because that’s the only way he was getting out of this.

“Why didn’t I bring any popcorn?” Santana looks around the room, a gleeful look on her face.

“Thank you for driving them over here, Santana, you can go now.” Carole said, with a look of amusement on her face. Santana pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of Kurt with his ankle, which was now a hideous shade of purple, elevated in front of him before she left the room. 

“You never answered my question, Kurt. What are you never doing again?” Before Kurt could answer, Finn opened his stupid mouth. Kurt is never bringing him warm milk ever again.

“You guys really shouldn’t be having sex in the shower. Semen clogs the drains, and I’m sure you didn’t turn the water off, and water conservation is no joke. It’s very important to take care of the earth, it’s the only one we have” Of course, that’s what Rachel decides to focus on. The water running in the shower and semen in the drain. Some best friend she is.

“Okay, so let me get this straight. -” Before Burt could finish his sentence, the doctor walks in to give Kurt his x-ray. Kurt would be relieved, but the look his Dad is giving him lets him know this so isn’t over. 

Later that day, as Burt and Finn help Kurt out of the car while Blaine hands him his crutches, Kurt wonders what would have to happen to get him out of this conversation. He could pretend his pain was too overwhelming, but deep down he knows they should just get the conversation over with. Santana has seen him naked, his whole family knows that he and Blaine were having sex in his shower and all of glee club knows Blaine tried some porno move on him. A second sex talk with his father isn’t the most humiliating thing that could happen.

“Okay Dad, can we just get this over with?” Kurt says as Finn helps him over to the couch. Blaine sits down next to him and moves over about a foot as if sitting too close to Kurt will upset Burt further. 

“Yeah. Finn, sit down, this affects you too.” Finn turns around, with a shocked look on his face.  
“No, me and Rachel never do it in the shower, you heard what she said about the water.” Kurt rolled his eyes and could tell by the movement to his left that Blaine was facepalming. Burt stopped for a second before catching himself, “Just sit down, Finn. Trust me, this involves you, and I want to talk about it before Rachel and Carole get back from the pharmacy with Kurt’s painkillers.”

Kurt looks nervously at Blaine who takes a deep breath before looking up at Burt. Kurt knows this look. Blaine’s going to attempt to smooth this over, and possibly make it worse. Kurt puts a hand on Blaine’s knee, hoping to send a signal saying very clearly to please not speak.

“Mr. Hummel, Kurt and I just want it to be clear that we’re very sorry that this happened and that we didn’t mean to betray your trust. We’ll accept any punishment you choose, but I don’t see what this has to do with Finn.”

Finn smiles at Blaine, “yeah, Blaine’s right. I totally don’t see what this has to do with me.”

“Excuse me for one second, Finn. I’ll show you what this has to do with you.” Burt gets up and goes into the den. He comes back with a ziplock bag with some kind of pink fabric in it. Blaine sputters and covers it with a cough. Finn gapes at the bag in question. Burt throws it in his lap.

“Look familiar Finn?” Burt asks. Now Kurt feels like he’s going to vomit, because in that ziplock bag was a pair of Rachel Berry’s very frilly, very pink panties. Where on Earth was that, Kurt wondered, because he was going to need to disenfect that area of the house. And douse it with bleach. At least Kurt and Blaine managed to properly clean up after their couch sex. Kurt certainly hoped he and Blaine’s couch sex had been before Rachel and Finn’s because, gross. No way did he want to think about having sex in the same place his stepbrother had also had sex.

“Rachel’s been looking for these. I mean, um...where did these come from?” Finn’s never been good at lying.

“It seems you boys think you’re being much more discreet than you actually are. Those were under the couch in the den. In the last month and a half, Carol and I have found condom wrappers and have had to remove more stains than I care to discuss. Now Kurt, you remember that talk we had?”

“How could i forget?” No seriously, no way Kurt would forget that talk, up until this very moment, he’d thought it was the most embarrassing conversation he’d ever have with his father. How very wrong he was.

“Well, you’ll remember that I told you that once you started doing this, you wouldn’t want to stop. And Carole and I knew that this day would come, you guys are seniors in high school, you’re in your first serious relationships. We remember what it was like. Kurt, you know that couch in my office at the shop?” Kurt nods, he’s not sure what that ratty old couch has to do with this. “Well you were conceived on that couch.” This day just keeps getting worse. Kurt puts a hand to his mouth. “Now come on Kurt, don’t be look at me like that, I’m making a point. Finn here was conceived on a pinball machine.”

“My parents are so lame. I was conceived on a bed. Not even a hotel bed in a fancy location.” Blaine mumbles from beside Kurt, and really? That’s what Blaine’s thinking about right now? 

“What I’m saying is Carole and I understand. You’re both adults and Blaine’s not our kid so-”

“Please Mr. Hummel, please don’t call my parents. I won’t have sex with Kurt again until we’re married. Just don’t tell my parents. -” Burt puts his hand up interrupting Blaine’s nervous breakdown.

“I’m not going to call your parents Blaine. I know you don’t have the best relationship with them. I wouldn’t do that. What I was going to say is, Carole and I have been meaning to bring this up to you for weeks, we know you guys are having sex. We’ve had to deal with the messes, and Kurt, Carole came home for lunch the other day and let’s just say she heard things. You’ve got a pair of lungs on you, that’s for damn sure. We’re not going to tell you to stop. We are going to ask you to keep it in your bedrooms. And to deal with any messes yourselves. And please, make sure all underwear goes home with the right person. And Blaine, no more porno moves, every guy knows not to try the stuff he sees in those movies. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to the shop.”

Burt gets up leaving the three boys sitting on the couch shell shocked. Finn looks at Kurt and Blaine, “Dude, we got off way easier than I thought we would. I totally thought we were going to be grounded. I can’t wait to tell Rachel. Maybe she can talk her Dads into the same rule.” Finn gets up and goes up stairs.

“So...” Blaine looks hopefully at Kurt. “That wasn’t as bad as it could have been. It was actually pretty cool.”

“I don’t see how this was anything other than absolutely mortifying. I broke my ankle having sex with you. Santana saw my dick. Santana, Blaine. My Dad not only found out that we’re having sex, but apparently, there so much semen around the house it’s starting to resemble a CSI crime scene. And on top of everything else, I found out that the couch I’ve been napping on in my Dad’s office was apparently where my parents went to hook up. The only way this day could have gone worse is if all of ND and the Warblers had been standing in the bathroom serenading us when it happened.” Kurt took a deep breath and looked to Blaine who’s face was red from holding in his laughter. As soon as Blaine cracked, Kurt did too, pretty soon they were both doubled over with laughter.

“There’s never a dull moment with you, Kurt Hummel. Have I told you that lately? My life used to be so boring.”

“Mine too. I kind of miss those days.” Kurt smiled at Blaine. Blaine who was giving him the big “I’m so in love with you eyes”. Yeah, despite the thriving pain in his foot and the humiliation of this day, there’s no way Kurt was giving up showing this boy how much he loved him. Just for the next eight weeks, he’d have to show him lying down.


End file.
